Self Compassion: Working with the Shame Spiral

Photo credit: Haley Peterson Photos

Changing behavior is not easy. There will be times on our journey when we don’t follow through. This is a natural part of the path—the question is: what do we do when this happens? Do we fall into the spiral of shame or do we treat ourselves with kindness and compassion?

Many of the clients that I work with are perfectionists and high performing achievers that expect a lot from themselves (I think I attract these clients because I’m a recovering perfectionist myself!). They are used to succeeding. And when they don’t, the inner critic kicks in. They beat themselves up—falling into the spiral of shame—and feel they have failed.

These tend to be the really important moments in which there is a decision to be made—either give up or adapt and keep trying.

Our chances of being successful are more likely when we are able to hold ourselves with an attitude of warmth and compassion. 

We can view our lack of follow through as a normal part of the change process and hold this with some kindness. 

This is normal. Transformation takes time and change isn’t easy. 

So, in those moments, see if you can notice your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? If the critic is running the show, extend it a moment of compassion and warmth. You can think to yourself “Of course I’m disappointed! I want to do better. This is natural.”  Change the tone of the inner voice or offer yourself a moment of compassion by reciting a phrase in your mind: “May I be free of self criticism. May I have ease”. Or, choose a different set of phrases that work better for you. 

You can use the experience of shame as one of growth, kindness and compassion.

Interested in learning more about kindness and compassion? Check out the book Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzburg.